I found out this week that my ex, ( the angry and controlling one) is now engaged. When he told me, a rush of both anger and jealousy hit me like freight train. I wasn’t upset for the reasons that one might think. I didn’t care that he had moved on with his life. And I wasn’t jealous because he had found someone else. I had left him after all.
No, what had me seething the most was the unfairness of it all. I had to uproot my life twice for him. Both to move to a different city for him and subsequently to move to get away. I had to leave a job with no prospects to come back to the Burg. I had to take one crappy job after another just to get back on my feet. I was even working two jobs at around 65 hours a week just to make ends meet.
Gradually, I put the pieces of my life back together, but I always felt like one piece was missing. You always hear about karma. Shouldn’t someone treating their live-in girlfriend like garbage constitute to be alone, if not for the rest of your life, but for at least a few years?
Not only did I struggle financially, but emotionally as well. I suffered from one bad date after another. One attempt at a relationship after another. And for what? Nothing but frustration and stress came out of any of it. I was the victim in all of it so shouldn’t I have the happy ending?
Don’t get me wrong. My life has changed for the better in a lot of ways without him in it. But don’t I deserve to find someone good? Someone who loves and appreciates me? Why should an emotional abuser find happiness while his victim is still alone? What kind of justice is that?
I had always held out the hope that the reason I hadn’t found anyone yet was because I wasn’t in the right place in my life. I still have aspirations. One of those being to move back to south Florida. I always assumed that I would find the right person there. But should I live like a hermit until I get there? Hopefully not.
The only good thing I can say that came out of this burst of emotion was the want to move forward. Regardless if I was with someone or not, I at least wanted to say that I was doing my part to make my life the best that I could and make the most out of it as it was. Somehow, this revelation knocked some sense into me. Why be upset that things with silly men weren’t working out in a city you don’t even want to be in? So you can be stuck here even longer?
I decided to make a change. I have a good job now but what’s wrong with wanting better? What’s wrong with reaching for the goals I had been wanting to obtain for the last few years? So with that, I started printing out applications and scheduling tests.
John Lennon once said “Life is what happens when you are busy making plans.” That may be true, but for the next few months my life will be all about making plans. Plans for a better and more fulfilling life. So my ex may be getting married. I don’t know the details of their relationship and it really doesn’t matter. In a way, I should thank him. The shock gave me the push I needed to snap out of my complacency and snap on the tenacity.
So where does the fairness come in? Well I guess it depends on your perspective. Sure I’m still single. But I’m headed towards bigger and better things than I ever was when I was with him, and maybe that’s the ultimate karma.